The past few months have been a whirlwind for me.  I have come from writing 400 word articles for $11 a pop to standing on the precipice of unending abundance in my calling, selling real estate. I talked about this change in mind set a few weeks ago here and have lived my life through progressive realization since reading Steve Morris’ book “Born To Be Exceptional.”

In the course of developing plans for my life I found that I wanted to have someone to share my life with. The three fold path I have laid out, a one year plan to grow my business, a five year plan to become financially independent and debt free and a ten year plan to have the seeds of my retirement start to bloom (It will take my kids getting through college before I can truly retire, but by the time they go I will be entering a period of wrapping up my business), include a certain woman that I have known for many years.  I see it, feel it, know it and live it in all my actions and thoughts.

After my x-wife left I never believed I could trust or love another, normal for such a life changing event.  It took me two years to find my way through the grieving that comes with the termination of a marriage and has been another three for me to feel comfortable pursuing someone. Most people I know who have been through something similar jump back in at some point much earlier and try to find a person to spend their days with. I never saw this as a viable option. I fought for my children to live primarily with me and took a vow in my mind to protect them from the volatility accompanying new relationships.  The last thing I wanted was a parade of women coming into their lives so I had a series of ‘friends’ that would come over on the weekend when the girls were visiting their mother, but that I kept at arms length for the most part.

I never saw anything beyond what I wanted, never took these women’s feelings in to account, even when I was clear that our relationship was purely physical. How can you not become attached on a more deeper level?  And if I felt they were trying for something more I never spoke to them again. I hope the pain was minimal for them and that, though I was selfish, my honesty upfront dulled it. I could be callous and say “you knew what you were getting into,” but I know everyone thinks (and hopes) that a physical relationship may become something more.  Like Jesse Winchester said “You have to plant your seed in the dirt my friend if you want the thing to grow.”  Love is a messy business, but from it comes great beauty if you nurture it.

I wouldn’t change what I did, but I have found that one of these women truly did capture my heart.  It was a complicated scene from the beginning because of our history and I won’t go into that.  We met and hung out not long after my x left and I just wasn’t ready on any level to be involved. Suffice it to say that she is everything I ever want and need in a partner and I let it slip away because the timing was wrong.

This is the crux of a moral dilemma I now find myself in. When I close my eyes and see myself a year from now it is her I see myself with, when I see myself three years from now it is her I see myself married to. The problem is she has moved on from me, has a boyfriend and a good life.

I ask myself is it wrong to pursue her, knowing the pain of having someone you love run off like my x did?  I have never been one to believe in ‘following your heart’, so I would never try to ‘steal’ her away with some Casanova sweet talk. I have, however, let her know how I feel and worry that I may inadvertently throw a wrench into her life. If there is even a smoldering ash of what we had, my simple words may make it rise to heat and flame. Is this fair to her boyfriend?

I can’t help but think about Johnny and June Cash and his chasing her for years.  People watch “Walk The Line” as a great romantic love story, but what about the people they left hurt in the dust.  Was he wrong to chase her, to pursue her, to be so honest while at the same time self centered?

I know how I feel about it, I want her in my life, I want to provide for her and let her follow her calling without the incessant work she has to do to support herself at a 9 to 5.  She could do great things and help many people given the freedom to do it with all her energy. I am writing this for clarity in my mind, I believe we belong together and think that through patience and perseverance one day we will stand before our friends and maker and be married.  As for her boyfriend, my hope is there relationship will run its course and when it does I will be there.