Tag Archives: infidelity

Do Right Woman…. maybe not

About a year ago I was watching Chris Hayes on MSNBC and the discussion was about men controlling women by controlling their reproductive rights. The discussion turned to what is a man’s role in a relationship where a pregnancy occurs, should he expect fidelity, and is expecting sexual loyalty in a marriage or partnership where children are involved a form of control?

Another day and another time I will regale you with the turmoil of a custody battle that ended in an anti-climatic whimper. Sufice it to say I fought for custody, I had pages and pages of evidence mapping out my x Billie’s infidelity that was put up against her ascertation that “because I breast fed them” she should have custody, child support, and alimony. Thank God the courts in Maryland make you go to mediation when a dirovce / custody case is brought before them because it brought us to an agreement in which our kids live with me and have ample visitation with their mother.

 Many men do not jump in the fire and fight this fight, resigning themselves to the idea they will be a weekend figure in their children’s life even when their partner commited audultry. I may have done the same thing if I felt there was a good reason for the termination of our marriage but, alas, there wasn’t. My x-wife decided she wasn’t happy and took up with another man, she had him at our house and in our bed while I was at work; she embraced her sexual ‘rights’ to not have to be beholden to any one man, even her husband and the father to her children. In her mind, as much as I can gather, she thought she would take up with this other man, get the kids, and I would support them. She found out different….

It lead me over time to some serious reflection on the question posed above. The following thoughts on this should apply only to women who have made the conscious decision to get married and have children and then begin a sexual affair while still married. Marriage is sacred, even if it is failing, and ending it is the ethical thing to do if it ‘time to move on’ or it’s ‘not working’. I got married to take care of my x-wife and our children, to be there for all our lives. My family was the most important thing to me and all I asked was that she remained faithful, that she was sexually loyal. I am not saying that she had to be ready to drop to her knees at my whim, I am saying she should have, when entering a marriage contract, stuck to the idea that both of us would cease sleeping with other people and give up our sexual freedom.

 Often this kind of loyalty is made fun of in our culture but, without it, what motivation does a man have to stay and support his wife. She told me once that she had to follow her heart, that her happiness was paramount to anything else. I feel bad for her, that she was sold a bill of goods about precieved sexual rights that is in direct contrast to the duty she had to me and our children when we married. The feminist revolution, as understood by me, is a protest against female sexual regulation and this is what the conversation on Chris Hayes’ show was about. The slogans are many “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”; “A woman has a sacred right to control her own sexuality”; “End human sacrifice! Don’t get married!”. Anne Donchin, has put forth the proposition that a women’s primary object should be a society in which “women can shape their reproductive experiences to further ends of their choosing.”

 Now don’t get me wrong, I believe that a single person, man or woman, should be able to have sex on their own terms. I believe in the Supreme Court’s ruling in Planned Parenthood vs Casey which speaks about “(t)he ability of women to participate equally in the economic and social life of the Nation has been facilitated by their ability to control their reproductive lives”. I believe a person should be able to leave a marriage if they aren’t happy and they have exhusted all resources to resolve whatever problems there are. I don’t believe a person has a right to commit adultry and still get the rewards of being married, mainly custody and support. If you want a sexual relationship with someone other then your spouse do it the right way and get a divorce first, don’t violate the sanctity of marriage and don’t expect for your x to support you once you left.

In what other situation does our society reward someone for cheating by giving them a prize? Why should a husband who has had the right of fidelity in marriage, or the blessing of family, taken away be beholden to support their ex-wife? This seems to me to create a woman who is, yes, sexually emancipated, as Ms. Donchin would like, but unwilling to build something, a patnership, on which anyone, husband or child, can depend.

Marriage is a contract and each party has a duty to the relationship. A duty by definition is the giving up of something that will make you happy (in this case sexual freedom) for the good of some thing else (the family). I am not against someone finding true happiness, but in a civilized society there are roles and rules we all play and follow and if you chose not to follow them you should not be rewarded. The roles and rules of a family are defined as people remaining faithful, having sexual loyalty, and fulfilling their duty to their partner and their children. Marriage is a full time job and I fear most people don’t ever clock in. When you don’t put in the time, become bored, and seek sexual gratification to fulfill some void shouldn’t you be held accountable for your choice.

A woman’s sexual rights when weighed against the idea of fidelity in marriage do not have to be mutually exclusive. If a wife wants to embrace sexual freedom over monogamy that is her prerogative, but we as a country should let it have consequences when it comes to marriage. A wife’s fidelity keeps a husband under obligation to her, it is the blessing she gives him in children and family and home. On the other side a man offers the woman many benefits to be faithful in a marriage; he becomes a provider, creating stablity, and allows her to have a family. What the husband brings to a marriage can not be taken back. What the wife’s brings, the gift of family, is taken away in over half of marriages and threatened in all: she can walk away with the kids and the money so she never really gives the man a family, the mutual consideration, which is the exchange for supporting her. The husband almost always finds in divorce court why he got married and worked for her and the children during the marriage had no permanence. It was given as his part of a quid pro quo that is binding on him but unenforceable on her.

What is society’s guarantee that when the woman enters into a contract of marriage (or partnership when children are involved) that she will remain faithful, how is the contract enforced? It isn’t for the most part; the man, in parenthood, has only a non-biological contribution (beyond providing half the DNA) to creating and bringing life into the world. Does this biological contribution on the part of the woman grant her more rights to the child’s upbringing as Billie thought? No, because there must be equality in marriage and child rearing of which a large part is that both partners are faithful, truthful, and honest; without these things there is no family.

No fault divorces have made it easy to walk away because you want sexual freedom. This is coupled with the idea that a child belongs with it’s mother (the tender years doctrine) and that a man must support the woman. It has created a culture where a book called “What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody; Judges, Lawyers, and Therapists Share Winning Strategies on How to Keep the Kids, The Cash, and Your Sanity” becomes a blueprint for encouraging women to embrace infidelity because, as the title implies, they can get the benefits without giving anything in return.. It needs to be changed. Courts now are supposed to follow what is called ‘the best interest of the child’ doctrine, but 90% of homes with a single parent are headed by a woman, so the playing field is obviously not level. I wish that courts looked at who breached the contract, man or woman, be it by abuse, infidelity, or simple selfishness, and rule on what each party should get by who was at fault. In the case of infidelity it is a choice that is made, sexual freedom over sexual loyalty, and we should all have to be responsible for our actions and live with our choices.

From The Begining…

The best place to start any story if probably the begining. My problem is that the begining often seems a moving target. Was it the birth of my oldest daughter or the day my x-wife left, was it the day I found out my youngest was blind in one eye or the day I went to court to get custody of my kids? I would love to think it was a happy day, that cold Feburary afternoon I rushed my X (I’ll call her Billie) to Harbor Hospital and a few hours later was left holding a tiny person; so dependent, so innocent, and so liberating, teaching duty, peace and true love in an instant. But in reality this story begins a few years later, on a hot July afternoon..

When you are a partner in parenting it is a different dynamic for both people. I worked outside the home, she stayed home and worked taking care of the kids. After a rough first few years we settled in to a routine and got comfortable, maybe minus the passion of our early days together but, nonetheless a good place (well, at least I did). I was happy and ready to dedicate my life to the two children I had had with my beautiful wife. Other partrnerships work out differently, sometimes both parents work, sometimes just the mom does, but in most, from what I can discern, people settle in and live their lives resigned to the world they have built together. Regardless of the form, both parents have a roll that is defined by them and for their children. Sometimes it just happens, others it is planned out; with us it just happened and was pretty traditional. I would come home from work, play with the kids, make dinner, she would bathe and put them to bed while I settled in to watch some TV. Most times it is an up and down life with moments of pure joy and dark days of doubt in our choices, but regardless, when it works it is because both partners feel they chose what they are doing and what they are doing is right for them.

It wasn’t the case with me and Billie, Billie was not happy, she didn’t like being ‘stuck’ as a stay at home mom and wife. Perhaps it goes back to the day she came down stairs and said “I’m pregnant” and I said “I guess we have to get married”. Not a ringing endorsement of any of it on my part. In those days our relationship was on its last legs, I was bored and ready to move on, and she felt, from what I can gather, that I wasn’t the person she needed. I have never been one to stand and talk to my girlfriend while she did the dishes or felt I had to wake up next to her every morning, and I never expected those things from her. I like sleeping on the couch, I like the space and not having someone trying to hold or cuddle me. That’s my inner Aquarius and she knew that is what she was getting. I knew too what I was getting, a flowing tide of Piscean emotion and needs that would only grow exponentially when a pregnancy was added. In that moment we chose to accept each other as we were because together we had created a life, or so I thought.

We married, went the whole nine yards, full on wedding at a church, open bar reception, honeymoon in Nashville. But things wern’t all rosey, I had decided nothing had changed in my life; sleeping all day, working at night in a bar and generally being abscent from Billie and our daughter’s life. A newborn is hard for a dad, they feed, sleep, and poop for the first few months and I was relegated to diaper duty because our daughter refused a bottle, and was strictly breast fed. This left me feeling left out. I took them to the doctor and held them when asked too, but I was not completely involved so I would slip out when they napped and come home drunk and useless to Billie in the child care deaprtment.

Billie was not happy with me and left. After a few months I convinced her I could change my ways and she believed me, came back, and we had another daughter. I quit my job, got a new one in a hardware store with more ‘normal’ hours and we moved far from the city to try and reset our life and start over, but it didn’t change how she felt or the memory of my mispent first years of marriage. I wasn’t good at being a husband, but I tried, reading books, talking to those I knew who made it work and trying to do the things she wanted of me, the things she thought a husband should be. I had given up on bars and such but I was still aloof at best and detachted at worst when it came to me and Billie.

This is not to say I didn’t love Billie, it just wasn’t in that Romeo Julliet kind of way. The problem was it was a kind of ‘duty’ love, I wanted to take care of her and the kids and I resigned myself to this. I was 34 at this point and had lived my life to it’s fullest and was ready to enter a new phase, a quiet family life. Billie was 26 and, I think, saw this great opportunity and challenge as the thing that took her youth away. When coupled with her inablity to change me into the man who would sit and talk while she did dishes, it left us in a bad place and ultimately left our children scared from the termination of their parents marriage.

Not long after we moved she admitted to me she had slept with a friend of hers when we had split up. It took some time but I forgave her, problem was I couldn’t forget and had a tinge of doubt always floating around. Turns out it was rightly so because she began an affair with this person and he did the old Don Juanius and convinced her she would be better off with him. You know the routine, ‘I’m your friend and such a good listener’, then on to ‘trash the husband with the ammunition for being a good friend’, finally ‘hey I can do everything for you he doesn’t’. So one day in July of 2008 she said she was in love with someone else and after giving her what I am sure was the strangest look ever said “”What should I do?”, my answer “Go be with him”.

Who knows what she thought would happen, or even if she had thought about it at all, but that is where my story really begins. In a matter of minutes I was alone as a parent with a two and four year old and had a lot to learn real quick. I may have been a bad husband (I would like to think flawed because my devotion and fidelity to her never waivered) but I was always a good father, abeit one part of a larger partnership, and it was this moment that put all my skills to the test.