Tag Archives: love

Awake in the Static or The Prelude to a Renaissance

There is an energy out there, a strange tension in the air. It’s not jubilant or even hopeful, hanging just below the surface. Think when a band is between songs, time hangs for a minute, the amps hum, the mic crackles, and no one is sure what will happen next. The one thing you are sure of, something is coming. It’s not over, there will be another song.

Culture is dead, or dying in real time, is the narrative we are being sold. It’s a TikTok take; the doom scroll version of something more nuanced. Just spend some real time with music or books, find places where people still argue about poetry like life depended on it, and you find another story. The death of culture is more a metamorphosis, unsightly and awkward but inescapable, than the end of all culture.

This is the counter rhythm to the noise, rumbling underneath the algorithm sludge, uncanny-valley AI, and endless disposable content. It is fragmented, not a movement yet. Scenes. Rouge signals.

People are reading. Not the clout seeking “I Read 50 Books This Year” you see on Facebook, something deeper, slower, stranger. People stumbling onto Dostoevsky at 2 a.m. like a secret society was hiding. People arguing about Melville like he just dropped his latest masterpiece a week ago. People digging deep into Virginia Woolf not because some institution said it was cannon, but because the words feed your soul, the sentences oxygen when you come up from your screen.

This is how culture shifts start, in bedrooms and libraries, a little unhinged, obsessive, personal.

Writing is back too; nobody is waiting for permission. There are voices speaking everywhere, on Substack, in indie ‘zines, at readings in backrooms of bars and coffee shops. You can still see the gatekeepers holding on, but their grip is tentative at best, less gods and more a final vestige of the old way.

People are defiant, creating art not because anyone asked but because they refuse to be erased. They are making messy things, uneven things, human things. They are carving a space where none was offered.

That human part matters more than it has in a long time. The AI backlash is real and growing, but unharnessed. People talk about ‘voice’ like it is something that needs to be protected at all costs. The beauty in imperfection is what we crave. Remember disco, the inhuman polish, and everyone suddenly wanting distortion again? People wanted something alive and before long there was punk and hip hop.

People want meaning. They are starved for it and they look back to the things that have stood for centuries like myth and mysticism. Anything that carries weight in a world full of pseudo profundity and off the rails conspiracy theories. It is that desire to feel awe and that the world isn’t just content, that there is depth, texture, even mystery.

Even these three hour podcasts that seem completely self indulgent or essays that find a hundred side roads before coming to something like a conclusion is a rebellion against compression. They are refusing the mantra of easily digestible, quick, and efficient; against the idea everything needs to fit in a scrollable box. Take it as a sign people are willing to try stretching their attention spans and pushing their brains toward capacity again.

All it will take to bring all these pieces together is an artistic breakthrough, a figure who steps out of the noise and pulls it all into focus; someone to make the meaning of this moment obvious. We are still compiling half-formed ideas that may never land in late night rehearsals and scattered jam sessions. It is prelude.

And that is what a renaissance looks like if you rewind to the decade before it’s start. There is no inevitability. It’s confusion, false starts, and people trying things that don’t work. They are arguing about what matters, the sense the old ways are done with only a notion of what will replace them.

You can call it collapse because we are in that murky middle between that past and future. Or you can put down your device, take a deep breath and realize there is something completely different going on. Somewhere just below the noise culture is turning up; awkwardly, imperfectly, maybe even badly, but real. When that spark finally catches fire it’s going to matter.

Love Is A Messy Business or ‘Will You Be My June Carter-Cash?’

The past few months have been a whirlwind for me.  I have come from writing 400 word articles for $11 a pop to standing on the precipice of unending abundance in my calling, selling real estate. I talked about this change in mind set a few weeks ago here and have lived my life through progressive realization since reading Steve Morris’ book “Born To Be Exceptional.”

In the course of developing plans for my life I found that I wanted to have someone to share my life with. The three fold path I have laid out, a one year plan to grow my business, a five year plan to become financially independent and debt free and a ten year plan to have the seeds of my retirement start to bloom (It will take my kids getting through college before I can truly retire, but by the time they go I will be entering a period of wrapping up my business), include a certain woman that I have known for many years.  I see it, feel it, know it and live it in all my actions and thoughts.

After my x-wife left I never believed I could trust or love another, normal for such a life changing event.  It took me two years to find my way through the grieving that comes with the termination of a marriage and has been another three for me to feel comfortable pursuing someone. Most people I know who have been through something similar jump back in at some point much earlier and try to find a person to spend their days with. I never saw this as a viable option. I fought for my children to live primarily with me and took a vow in my mind to protect them from the volatility accompanying new relationships.  The last thing I wanted was a parade of women coming into their lives so I had a series of ‘friends’ that would come over on the weekend when the girls were visiting their mother, but that I kept at arms length for the most part.

I never saw anything beyond what I wanted, never took these women’s feelings in to account, even when I was clear that our relationship was purely physical. How can you not become attached on a more deeper level?  And if I felt they were trying for something more I never spoke to them again. I hope the pain was minimal for them and that, though I was selfish, my honesty upfront dulled it. I could be callous and say “you knew what you were getting into,” but I know everyone thinks (and hopes) that a physical relationship may become something more.  Like Jesse Winchester said “You have to plant your seed in the dirt my friend if you want the thing to grow.”  Love is a messy business, but from it comes great beauty if you nurture it.

I wouldn’t change what I did, but I have found that one of these women truly did capture my heart.  It was a complicated scene from the beginning because of our history and I won’t go into that.  We met and hung out not long after my x left and I just wasn’t ready on any level to be involved. Suffice it to say that she is everything I ever want and need in a partner and I let it slip away because the timing was wrong.

This is the crux of a moral dilemma I now find myself in. When I close my eyes and see myself a year from now it is her I see myself with, when I see myself three years from now it is her I see myself married to. The problem is she has moved on from me, has a boyfriend and a good life.

I ask myself is it wrong to pursue her, knowing the pain of having someone you love run off like my x did?  I have never been one to believe in ‘following your heart’, so I would never try to ‘steal’ her away with some Casanova sweet talk. I have, however, let her know how I feel and worry that I may inadvertently throw a wrench into her life. If there is even a smoldering ash of what we had, my simple words may make it rise to heat and flame. Is this fair to her boyfriend?

I can’t help but think about Johnny and June Cash and his chasing her for years.  People watch “Walk The Line” as a great romantic love story, but what about the people they left hurt in the dust.  Was he wrong to chase her, to pursue her, to be so honest while at the same time self centered?

I know how I feel about it, I want her in my life, I want to provide for her and let her follow her calling without the incessant work she has to do to support herself at a 9 to 5.  She could do great things and help many people given the freedom to do it with all her energy. I am writing this for clarity in my mind, I believe we belong together and think that through patience and perseverance one day we will stand before our friends and maker and be married.  As for her boyfriend, my hope is there relationship will run its course and when it does I will be there.